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03/25/2005: "Addendum to "9 is Enough.""

I, Eric's supervisor (known also as The Woman) came home from work to find Eric in a stupor. Indeed, nine is enough.

My attempts to revive him were rebuffed. I kissed him. He was unresponsive. Had he fallen into a persistent vegetative state? I sat on his belly. Perhaps, I thought, if I can get him to poop, he'll be a little more alive. But rolling about on his belly didn't produce the desired effect, either. He's not pooped yet. God knows if he ever will now.

He stares at me now and I question whether he is actually responding to me, or if he is merely reacting to light behind me. I think we all know the answer to that. You should see him now, a mere shadow of what he once was. I'm not even sure he could be classified as a vertebrate anymore. As he sucks on his lips and stares at the ceiling, I can only hope he will pull through. But I think we all know the truth of that, too.

So I entreat you: Do not try this experiment at home. Or, if you must, try it with your own homemade Peeps. Disgusting.